Thursday, April 17, 2008

A baseball broadcast brought to you by John Yoo

Rance Mulliniks is terrible. For anyone who watched last night's game, there is surely no need for me to say more, but it is said that victims of abuse sometimes derive cathartic benefits from sharing their experiences, so I'll add a bit more.

He is utterly banal (useful synonyms: trite, obvious, predictable, hackneyed, devoid of freshness or originality. Used in a sentence: The banality of the speaker's remarks put the audience to sleep. Nice one, dictionary.com!). I assume he gets paid by the word, because he never fails to use 10 words where 2 will suffice. Worst of all, he's dumb as a sack of rocks and has the grammatical abilities of a third-grade dropout.

We often assume that people who look like enormous nerds are intelligent - on the theory, I suppose, that "God" is fair and distributes blessings and curses relatively equally. The obvious converse is the assumption that beautiful women and handsome men must be dumb. I have long since laid the latter assumption to rest, and Rance must surely be exhibit A for the flaws in the former assumption.

Last night's broadcast was chock-full of Mulliniks-ian low-lights, but the absolute nadir came when Sportsnet vomited up a graphic that demonstrated, to the utter shock and amazement of all eight people still watching, that the Jays this year have hit better, and scored more runs, in the games they've won than in the games they've lost. A moderately decent commentator would have seized the opportunity to poke a little fun at the obviousness of it all. Rance - not so much. Joined by his partner in banality, Jamie Campbell, Rance expounded on this point at some length, then posited that, if you looked around the majors, you might very well see this pattern repeating itself. Finally, he suggested that their in-house stat guy Scott Carson do some research on this point.

All in all, I think I lost 25 IQ points sitting through the entire shit-show. If they persist in foisting Rance on us every other series, they should at least insist that he alternate innings with Garth Iorg.

4 comments:

Portnoy said...

Best MOE post of the year, Dr. K. I beshat myself laughing.

I also beshat myself last night at the Alberto Gonzales-esque bullpen management by Gibby. My dad is 70 years old; he can't take that kind of insanity.

Razzer said...

i have to disagree with you on this one. I actually really enjoy Rance's ability to break down pitch sequences and give a players perspective on shit. While I agree he was pretty shit last night, I remember late last summer he was actually bringing analysis and humor(At the same time). If we can give Overbay and Thomas two weeks (plus six weeks of spring training) to get warmed up let's give Rance more than a game before we go all ape shit on him.

Canate said...

Great post. I agree with both Mark and Dr.K. I find Rance amusing like that retarded kid who rode the bus with you in elementary school. (Incidentally, he was ugly too. That's when I learned God was unfair. Also when I look in the mirror - handsome, smart, well-hung. On the other hand I'm a Jays fan, so I guess that balances out.)

Hawk said...

If the Jays do not win the World Series as Mulliniks predicts then he will be condemned as officially retarded.